“I’M SCREAMING AT YOU BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO LOVE ME!!!”
“When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem resembles a nail.” ~ Abraham Maslow
When we get triggered, many of us reach for fairly unrefined and even rather blunt tools… such as hammers. If the dysregulated wounded child in all of us rears its ugly immature head, it may feel compelled to turn up the volume, throw a temper tantrum, scream. Upon deeper inspection, however, conflicts in relationships are often rooted in unmet emotional needs and desires for connection, understanding, appreciation and validation.
The Gottman Method emphasizes the importance of managing conflicts collaboratively while understanding each partner’s unique “conflict culture.” This aligns with the idea that even in conflict, communication is a request for love or connection. By addressing disagreements with empathy and understanding, couples can transform conflicts into opportunities for deeper connection and intimacy.
As a therapist specializing in intimate relationships, I believe that beneath every conflict lies an unspoken desire for connection, validation, and belonging. Whether expressed through screaming or nonverbal cues including silence or stonewalling, communication is often a request for emotional intimacy.
Attachment theory offers interesting insight into relationship dynamics. Our early experiences with caregivers shape how we seek love as adults. Pioneered by John Bowlby and expanded by Mary Ainsworth, attachment theory helps explain why people approach relationships so differently.
Here are the four attachment styles:
Anxious attachment: Those with an anxious attachment style may over-communicate, needing constant reassurance to soothe their fears of abandonment.
Avoidant attachment: Those with an avoidant attachment style may under-communicate, fearing that too much closeness will lead to engulfment or loss of self.
Secure attachment: Those with a secure attachment style can navigate closeness and independence with relative ease, feeling safe in connection.
Disorganized attachment: Those with a disorganized attachment style can swing wildly from lovebombing to boiled rabbits.
Two people in a relationship often bring different attachment styles into their dynamic. An anxious partner might over-communicate, fearing abandonment, while an avoidant partner might under-communicate, fearing engulfment. Both are seeking love but in ways that can be triggering to their partner. Recognizing these patterns allows us to respond with empathy rather than defensiveness. When couples begin to understand that their partner’s reactions are rooted in attachment needs rather than personal attacks, they can respond with empathy instead of defensiveness.
One of the most profound tools in couples counseling is learning to decode these bids for connection. In sessions, I often ask clients, “If you could wave a magic wand and permanently change one thing about your partner right now, what would it be?” Hypothetical questions like this often shift the focus from blame to curiosity and reinforce the overlooked fact that the couple is a team.
Effective communication requires vulnerability — a willingness to express what we truly feel beneath our defenses mechanisms. However, vulnerability often feels risky because it exposes us to rejection or misunderstanding. Yet it is also the gateway to deeper connection. When someone says, “I’m struggling,” and their partner responds with empathy rather than solutions, it creates a moment of intimacy.
Being able to validate your partner’s emotional experience is the most important tool you will ever learn. Listening is not about waiting for your turn to speak; it’s about being able to validate the other person’s emotional experience by mirroring their affect and matching their body language.
As I wrote in “How To Survive Your Childhood Now That You’re An Adult: A Path to Authenticity and Awakening,” “Mirror neurons do not fire via text message.” We need to be able to listen deeply without judgment or interruption and BE ABLE TO VALIDATE OUR PARTNER’S EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCE — even when we disagree with them.
I think that people screaming and creating drama is like lighting a fire under a Petri dish. Yes, the heat distills the pure elements but it also singes everyone around and foments resentment. We need to explore the emotions underneath the argument, uncover the unmet needs, and work to find peaceful, loving resolutions. Also, small rituals of acknowledgment and appreciation — like greeting each other warmly at the end of the day, putting away our devices, and generously thanking our partners — can also make significant differences in securely attaching to our partners and staving off screaming and drama.
Ultimately, all speech could be considered a request for love because love is at the core of human existence. Whether we seek it through words, actions, or silence, our need for connection drives us toward each other — even when it feels messy, childish, angry and imperfect.
