If The First Photo of Your Online Dating Profile Is Of You Kissing Your Dog, Thanks For Letting Everyone Know There’s No Room In Your Life For A Relationship: The Semiotics of Online Dating
“Romance only comes into existence where love is fatal, frowned upon and doomed by life itself.” ~ Denis de Rougemont
For twenty-two years I have been studying and writing about the Myth of Romantic Love as well as treating Love Addicts in my private psychotherapy practice. I have been considering the possibility that all great passions — both in romantic literature according to Alain de Botton, as well as those in real life — are based on psychological dysfunctionality and that tremendously passionate couples have mutually complementary dysfunctionalities: for example, she’s critical like his mother and he’s aloof and emotionally withholding like her father.
After regarding too many online profiles, I start to imagine a wedding during which the bride and groom recite their first impressions of their future spouse’s online profiles as they take their vows:
“I’m marrying this extraordinary man because he has six-pack abs, scrunches up his face like he’s curing cancer when taking a photo of himself in the gym mirror at 11am when normal people are working, knows how to deep sea fish (in case of the apocalypse), looks hot while holding a fancy drink in front of a yellow Lamborghini, went white river rafting for a week with his college buddies but still doesn’t know the definition of “homoerotic,” summited both Kilimanjaro and Everest and has selfies with the basecamp signs to prove it, has the latest iPhone, and has photos of him with his arm around his sister that don’t look creepy. I knew right away that he had all of the qualities that would make an excellent life-partner!”
“I’m marrying this extraordinary woman because she skydives (tandem), took a selfie with a ferocious wild animal while on safari, did dancer pose at the beach during sunset, has enough strength to lift a 32 ounce beer at a sporting event, and holds her excessively large iconic $3,350 handbag (that some other guy bought her but she didn’t date him) in the crease of her elbow like my aunt, or her excessively small Louis Vuitton, Bottega Veneta, Gucci $3,200 handbag (that she bought at Neiman Marcus Last Call on a credit card that already had a balance) on her shoulder like my uncle. Also… cleavage. Yeah, outstanding cleavage. I knew right away that she had all of the qualities that would make an excellent life-partner!”
If a group of Harvard semiologists and psychologists met to analyze online dating profiles of women and match them with their psychological profiles, these are some identifications they might discover:
Photo of her skydiving = Borderline
Photo of her inside or outside a private jet = Histrionic
Weird photo of her cross-eyed with her tongue jammed out the side of her mouth for no apparent reason = Avoidant
Selfie wearing micro-skirt and too much make-up in bathroom mirror of a 5 star hotel = Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
Uses an absurd pseudonym worse than any stripper name = Paranoid
Writes using all lower case and no punctuation = Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder
Has 37 photos and all have different hair colors and styles = Severe ADHD
Photo of her boxing = Anger Management issues
Photo of her firing a shotgun = Daddy issues
Photo of her firing a handgun = Mommy issues
Photo of her firing a crossbow = Brother issues
Photo of her triumphantly holding up a large dead fish on back of recently docked boat = Sister issues
Photo of her golfing = High strung
Photo of her playing tennis = High maintenance
3 or more selfies in her car with seatbelt on = Didn’t graduate college
3 or more selfies in her car with seatbelt off = Didn’t graduate high school
Photo highlighting cleavage = Low self-esteem
Only has photos with numerous friends so you can’t even discern whose profile it is = Extremely low self-esteem
Photo of her shopping = No self-esteem
Photo of her in dancer or any yoga pose on the beach at sunset or atop a mountain = Herd mentality
Selfie of just face from arm held high above = Body Dysmorphia
10–15 year-old photo = Overcame eating disorder but is now ashamed of weight
One classy (not too slutty) bathing suit photo with a grimace or a reluctant smile = she understands how stupid, superficial and shallow men are!
Photo of her performing at open mic night or a sketch comedy show = Sociopath
Photo of her at a Halloween party dressed as a kinky nurse or cop and/or stripper = Lazy
Recently taken professional headshots, either for acting, public speaking, or expressly for her online dating profile = Batshit Fucking Crazy
Her first sentence is “Well, I don’t know what to write but here goes…” = Bipolar Disorder
“I love life!” = Major Depressive Disorder
“Just chillin” = Alcoholic, Antisocial Personality Disorder, or both
“Visited 13 countries” = Nouveau riche, Sex Addict, or both
“I enjoy camping just as much as The Four Seasons” = Compulsive Liar
“I love sarcasm” = Has never had orgasm with a man
“I love weekend road trips” = Poor Impulse Control
“Ripped” = Eating Disorder
“Recently separated” = Adjustment Disorder
“Burning Man,” “Topanga” “Shaman,” “experimental,”“polyamory” or “Erewhon” = Narcissistic Personality Disorder
I hope you laughed at the above satire of contemporary romantic love!
Everyone wants to marry someone AUTHENTIC so why are the vast majority of online profiles replete with written and visual clichés? Maybe Alain de Botton is right and we should create AuthenticDating.com where each profile simply elucidates the person’s own insanity (since any spouse is going to find out that information anyway and that’s probably a better predictor of “success” than the current method). Or how about calling a dating site WhatsYourDiagnosis.com?
Anyhow, here’s the most original and scathingly brilliant profile I’ve ever seen:
